Truths about Marriage and Intimate Relationships

Photo: Samuel Beecher

When our relationships hurt, we hurt. Working on intimate relationships has been a life-long journey for me. Especially within partnerships. Most of us didn't grow up seeing the kind of healthy relationship we want to model our relationships on. So we try to learn new ways of communicating and being together, but we get trapped and stuck. It's hard. 

In my 20's I studied non-violent communication that helped me disentangle thoughts, feelings, needs, "shoulds," and demands vs. requests. I realized I could brainstorm many more strategies to solve problems than the 1st strategy I really wanted to work. Hint: it was usually a self-centered strategy that involved the other person meeting my need. 

And I went to couples counseling and read pattern-revealing books like Engel's The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing. I discovered that many problems are 2-way streets, and we are like magnets drawing another person to us to replay patterns until we see them and break free. With awareness we can stop them, and build healthier ones. I also studied the Enneagram, and how personalities fit (or friction) together. I practiced new techniques.

They were awesome!

*****I felt liberated, and "good." *****

Then I married in my 30's, had a baby, and found a level of stress I had never known before. It was set-off by months of sleepless nights and aggravated by a lack of supportive resources.  I could not believe I could regress so far back, when I had grown and changed so much!Sometimes when we're feeling down and stuck, I use the metaphor of being a mudpit. It feels like groping around a slippery slope in the blinding rain, searching for a tree root to help us climb out. This time in my life was like a mud grandcanyon. I went to marriage therapy. I went to individual therapy.

I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. I felt lost. 

Little by little, I learned more about my hidden inner landscape. The subconscious hills that my mind would climb and slide down, over and over because those tracks had been grooved in early on in my life.

I'll be vulnerable and share~

Subconsciously, 

1. I like to stay "one ahead," so I'm "owed" something instead of feeling "behind."  

2. I'm existentially worried about running out of food. I want to control what happens at home so I feel secure.

3. I have a deeper core fear of being forgotten/ignored/disappeared. 

The truth about my marriage is that it's been really hard. At times I've been mean, unfair, and out of line with my ideals or integrity. It's also been incredibly enlightening at times, extraordinarily blissful at times, and a beautiful manifestation of sincere devotion to honesty and goodness.Inner work is an ongoing evolution.

In my 40's, I keep finding new layers to know.

Divine Spirit made me (us) so intricately.

Knowing our selves is a path to understanding and communing with all Life.

Inner work is important key spiritual work, the great sages say.

"It is more important to know the truth about one's self than to try to find out the truth of heaven and hell." -Hazrat Inayat Khan"

First take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." -Jesus, in Luke 6:42

“For the Buddha, ultimate reality is a process of self-realization. Nobody is going to save you. The only person that can liberate you from your own pain and suffering is yourself...Life is not meant to be comfortable; the whole purpose of life is to evolve, and to evolve consciousness." ~Professor Donna Giancola

Lately, I've been listening to a LOT of Terry Real's insights on relationships.

His approach aligns with my beliefs that:

1.) We have different parts of ourselves that want different things, and we speak from different parts of us at different times. We need better skills in choosing from where and how we choose to speak.

2.) Our childhood experiences often poke up into our current relationships, especially when we're highly stressed(when under stress, people regress)

and that addressing our childhood wounds improves our ability to be in healthy relationships now.  

While I don't agree 100% with him (who does?), if you're struggling too, I highly recommend checking out his free talks (or books like The New Rules of Marriage). Terry Real names the difficult aspects of 21st century isolated relationships that have too much pressure, not enough support, and lots of personal and societal trauma. And he tells us ways to create stronger connection and love.

He has a great podcast on Sounds True: Insights at the Edge | Fierce Intimacy (via Podbean app): https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-u7twq-ee09b97

Or you can look up his Youtubes (which are shorter):

• Want Your Partner To Change? Then Stop Doing This

• Managing Disappointment in Relationships: The Key to Lasting Love 

• From Disappointment to Connection: The Role of Grief in Love

• The quiet relationship killer: How resentment destroys your relationship 

• Playing It Safe Kills Your Relationship—Do This Instead 

  
  

If you struggle, I can help you:

• get real and honest about where you're at.

• build more effective communication skills. 

• learn techniques to cool down when triggered.

• lessen the negative impact of childhood wounds.

• make shifts that liberate you from stuck patterns.

  
  

But I don't do couples counseling. For that, I highly recommend Teri Grunthaner at www.radical-hearts.com  (Or if you want a male counselor or a husband/wife team, Jeff and Rebecca at Restoration Counseling. Or for couples' personality typing, Jeff King at Transmuto.)   

I also highly recommend considering doing your relational or marital work in nature. :) Take a walk or sit outside to have the tough conversations in which you aim to compassionately express your needs and clearly state your boundaries. Nature helps our nervous system relax, giving us a better chance of staying in our grounded, wiser adult self, and out of our fight or flight reactive part. 

Nature gives us room to move, play, and feel spaciousness rather than boxed-in dyadic tension. Nature gives us a change of scenery from our usual mind-traps. And the interrupting birds and clouds can help us remember to take a wider, cosmic view.

Lastly, please know that if you're struggling, many folks I know are struggling. (I think the overall tension in our climate has opened up our pushed-down issues.) Some of my clients would like to know shows or movies you watch that model healthy relationships. Got any recommendations?!!

And if you're not in a romantic relationship right now, these mind-boggling relationship conundrums also show up in parent-child, sibling, and other relationships.

So, I know great relationships can take work!

Good luck! 

🌷 I'D LOVE TO INCLUDE ANY OF YOUR QUESTIONS. PLEASE WRITE ME. :)

© Shannon Gorres, 2025. Written by a human, not AI or chatGPT. Please contact me to request permission before sharing. I will give you permission to share sections of it when you include "by Shannon Gorres, www.DivineNatureTherapy.com"